Saturday, May 5, 2012

Kvetching in Despair for Forum Ability to Pick Up Jokes

I recently enjoyed a hearty guffaw when reading the Jezebel article called OMFG, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Are Engaged. The article utilizes the magic of pulling up old magazine covers, noting the 20something times that Brangelina have been "engaged" or "planning a secret wedding", etc. So, I wrote this little whimsical comment. 
Does anyone seriously think I was....well, serious? A joke comment on a hilarious article? That I was speculating on some super secret collaboration between Brangelina and the tabloids to make millions?!

This Internet Citizen did.
People like this make me want smash my face in the keyboard. 

Dear Random Internet Citizen, 
Please....please, calm down. Sometimes people like me write jokes in comment threads. Not everything written is a somber diatribe and serious treatise of our deepest passions. Also, not everyone on the internet on the internet is an idiot. I promise, you don't have to educate me on the trials and tribulations that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have endured from the tabloid industry. While I empathize your passionate love for Brangelina, seriously, calm thyself. 
PS If I'm going to promote crazy conspiracy theories, I think I'll use bad grammar and make a shitty Powerpoint (that I will think it's totally persuasive) and convert it into a youtube vid. I'll also use some creepy music in the background. After all everyone powerful in the world is already part of the Illuminati, riiiiight?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Glorious Shit That Daskaea Found on the Internet


Behold, some glorious and dirrrrrty Internet Gems! Food Network proper and classy ladies, Sandra Lee and Nigella get all nasty and dirty with a hilarious mash up of clips to create new brilliant sex euphemisms.
Don't worry, I already pre-oiled my butt!
 

Monday, April 30, 2012

Daskaea's 2012 Summer Movies Excitements and Mehs

May is around the corner and thus starts off the epic clusterfuck of summer movie EXTRAVAGANZA. I'm looking ahead at the rest of the year and there are remarkably a few movies I'm looking forward to.

Dark Shadows - Friday, May 11th

The new Tim Burton original is getting good buzz and for good reason, it looks awesome and finally a return to Tim's eccentric, witty, hilarious, exciting, and FRESH writing and direction that made me adore Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, and Nightmare Before Christmas (yes, even a Jewess can love that movie). An adaption of the 70s soap opera it has Tim's usual favorites: Johnny Depp and Burton's partner, Helena Bonham Carter (not to dismiss her epic acting abilities), but it also has the lovely Eva Green, the ever alluring Michelle Pfeiffer and wicked talented 15-year-old actress Chloë Moretz (who stole my heart in Kick Ass, I expect great things from her). Plus we have a bit part from geek legend, Christopher Lee.
Watching the trailers has absolutely entranced me and I am eager to see it.

Piranha 3DD - June 1st 
I'm always up for a good Nom movie so the follow up to gore-hilarity-semiporno-fest that was the 2010 film Piranha 3D---which I found amusing and titillating *ahem* (read my Nom review)---will be a randy romp of blood and tits, I'm sure (did I mention TITS?! There will be tits, I need my Piranha-frenzy-induced-lezboner....dammit!). Sadly they aren't returning the epic Elizabeth Shue to the saga (I am deeply saddened by this) but luckily Christopher "Doc 1.21 Gigawatts" Lloyd returns for his part as Mr. Goodman. Ving Motherfuckin' Rhames also returns. Despite the loss of Shue we do have surely entertaining bit parts from the ever creeptastic Gary Busey and the Prince of Germany, David Hassleofff. I'd better see some running in slow-motion-on-the-beach action from the Hoff. Mmmmm, chest hair.

Anyways, I'm only looking forward to it for my own sick reasons. In reality, I'm sure it's going to be god awful, but there will be tits and 3D piranhas, right? 

Snow White and the Huntsman - June 1st

While I can't pretend to be pleased with the casting choice of Kristen "One Emotion" Stewart as the heroine, I am going to ignore it because the trailers makes this film look absolutely visually stunning and an intriguing take on the tale, perhaps tracing it back to the fairy tale's dark roots. Of course, even if there wasn't that aspect, I think I would still go. Because I want to get eye-fucked by Charlize Theron.
This screen cap nearly makes me lose control of my lady parts. Seriously, I have such a lezboner for Charlize in this film that I might go all Bible Black crazy and have a sudden uncontrollable masturbation episode. If you don't get that reference, congrats, you don't watch hentai. Anyways, back to Charlize.



Oh and did I mention that THOR is in it??
OH HEY! We get eye-fucking from Chris Hemsworth too!
Two for the price of one!
Egads, It's a bisexual BONANZA!
Even Little Miss Emo can't spoil this OH HAVE MERCY movie.


Prometheus - June 8th
They didn't make it obvious, but it is the fifth installment of Aliens. And because I love the saga (my husband sat me down and forced me to watch every movie last summer, what a great husband, my life was missing out before), I HAVE to see it. It seems to be an attempted reboot after the Alien vs. Predator franchise merge riots (Personally I enjoyed the first AVP movie, those AVP2 was redonkulously awful). It's a prequel exploring the nature of the aliens, and no Ellen Ripley. Ridley Scott is back onboard, The trailers don't give much away except general suspense, terror and ominous imagery. I'm not sure what to expect but I'm curious. Oh and Charlize is in this. No trailer footage revealing any eye-fucking, but girl, I'll be waiting.

Those are the only summer movies I'm anxious for. You ask, "But WAIT! No Avengers? No Dark Knight Rises?" That's right, booboo. While I may have been madly in love with Thor and Chris Body-Oddy-Oddy-Oooolala-Hemsworth, I am not gung ho for him teaming up with super friends. I was never one to really love the comic Super Friends / Justice League / Avengers merging of superheroes. It gets to a point of ridiculousity. Plus half of why I actually adored Thor (besides Chrissy-pookums) was the Norse mythology. I'm aware the Loki is the baddy in Avengers but the cheese of modern heroes super combo fighting squad just doesn't appeal. 
As for Dark Knight Rises, well, I was pretty meh about the whole affair with the first two. While I am excited for Catwoman to enter and I'll be interested to see Anne Hathaway, who seems a little too "sunshine and rainbows" in all the films I've seen try and pulloff batshit crazy....or should I say catshit crazy?! Mwahaha, worst pun ever. Anyways, I'm also interested that they swept Heath Ledger's Joker under the rug by making it eight years later. Interested but that doesn't scream good. I mean they have Heath's also famous doppelganger in the film. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the craziest lookalike in the world. Why pass him up to get some Joker bits in? And apparently there's unused Heath footage too. No transition? Just gone? Anyways Dark Knight was vastly overrated.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Career Distortions


Lately, I've been having trouble crossing the bridge between ideas and implementation. It's like my spark to write and create content for the web and my life has been completely scrapped. All I have in its stead is a needless desire to post pictures on tumblr, tweet incessantly, facebook like it's my job and watch a lot of Netflix. Since losing my job January 30th, I have achieved an excessive amount of anime consumption with a healthy side portion of Buffy, Bones, House, How I Met Your Mother and Mad Men. Since losing my job and encountering the monumental amount of free time that I have desired, I haven't even been able to clean up my house or catch up on laundry. And I managed to have a snake escapee. I'm feeling short on accomplishments, short on achievement and low on motivation. So how do you pull yourself out of a creative block? My brain is aching to go somewhere. I'm sure my depression hasn't remotely helped anything. I feel guilty for having nothing to say, guilty for having nothing in there at all.
So, how do you get out of a rut? 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

In Case You Need a Valentine's Day Present

Had to share! This product exists. Really? Really.
I think it's the perfect Valentine gift. I was thinking of getting one for my friends.
And then I found out product is out of stock. It was soul crushing.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday the Thirteenth



Today is Friday the 13th. Superstition tells us that today will be bad news bears. Superstition which gripes its roots in religion. Lets look into that.

Historically speaking, this is no written evidence for a "Friday the 13th" superstition before the mid-1800s. However the most likely theory stems from the fact that there are older supersitions marking thirteen is an unlucky number and Friday as an unlucky day.

Thirteen as an unlucky number is based on numerology. The number twelve is considered the number of completeness, we see this reflected in Judeo-Christian Westernized culture---twelve months in a year, the twelve tribes of Israel, the twelve Apostles of Jesus--whereas the number thirteen was considered irregular.

There is also a superstition, thought by some to derive from the Last Supper, that having thirteen people seated at a table will result in the death of one of the diners.

Coincidentally, the Last Supper myth crosses over particularly well with a Norse myth about 12 gods having a dinner party at Valhalla, their heaven. In walked the uninvited 13th guest, the mischievous Loki. Once there, Loki arranged for Hoder, the blind god of darkness, to shoot Balder the Beautiful, the god of joy and gladness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow. "Balder died and the whole Earth got dark. The whole Earth mourned. It was a bad, unlucky day," says Donald Dossey, founder of the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina.

As for Friday, most blame the Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, which regarded Friday as an unlucky day to undertake journeys. Particularly of interest to our cause however is that, Jesus was crucified on a Friday. Also particularly of interest is the Norse goddess, Frigg.
The etymology of Friday traces its roots from the Old English frīgedæg, meaning the "day of Frigg." Who was Frigg though? Why name a day in the Gregorian calendar after her?


A major goddess in Norse paganism, Frigg was the wife of Odin, and is the "foremost among the goddesses" and the queen of Asgard. Frigg appears primarily in Norse mythological stories as a wife and a mother. She is also described as having the power of prophecy yet she does not reveal what she knows. Frigg is described as the only one other than Odin who is permitted to sit on his high seat Hlidskjalf (try saying that ten times fast) and look out over the universe. She was often worshipped in a association with love and fertility.

However...

The Christian conversion of the Norse and Germanic tribes was a brutal amalgamation of pagan mythos and Christianity. Christian priests found it impossible to make the pagans give up many of their traditions and as a result most elements were absorbed in some fashion. For instance, the tradition of Easter bunnies and eggs stem symbolically from the spring fertility festival. Christmas trees stem from the winter solstice traditions. 

As for Frigg, she was labeled a witch. It was believed that every Friday, the spiteful goddess convened a meeting with eleven other witches, plus the devil — a gathering of thirteen — and plotted ill turns of fate for the coming week. For many centuries in Scandinavia, Friday was known as "Witches' Sabbath."

So now you know. Go forth and be careful.

Happy Friday the 13th.

In a slightly unrelated postscript point, since I want to end this on a happy note, the Maya considered 13 to be a good number. They felt that there were 13 layers to the celestial realm of the world, presided over by the Thirteen Gods of the Upper World known as the Oxlahuntika.

Nostalgia for the Weekly World News

You know what I miss? The Weekly World News.
Oh what a gem we are now robbed of. It still runs online but no longer a print sensation.
Sure The Sun is kind of what absorbed the craziness, but the Weekly World is just 30x more batshit crazy. I wish I could work there. I have so many weird prophecies and rumors I'm dying to start.